From the Archives: Bad Company

When asked to choose a past In Between Sundays for republication, it was a no-brainer for me. I somewhat selfishly chose this piece as a reminder to myself about the places in my head that I don’t want to revisit and the person that I don’t want to be. Despite my best intentions, I still get caught up in anger and pettiness that does not serve me or the world around me. I hope this will resonate as a reminder that at our best, we are walking through our days being led by love.

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I sat with unrighteous anger.
Anger that makes you shake, that makes your hands numb, your jaw tight, your chest heavy.
Anger that starts in your toes, courses through your body, into your eyes and then down your cheeks.

I sat with It. I had to; It seemed to insist upon it.
The choice didn’t feel as if it was my own.

Anger travelled with me for several days. I could not shake It.
We sat together and simmered.
We fed off of one another.
We became inseparable.
Sitting with anger comforted me; we were the same, united, belonging to one another.

I sat with anger until my head ached.
As It tightened Its grip on me, I felt It digging into my skin. I pulled away but It tugged at me.
I relented, too afraid to give up the safety of its embrace.

I wondered how long anger and I would be together.
I wanted to ask It if It would sit beside me forever but anger had long ago stopped answering my questions.

I sat with anger and suddenly, I noticed that sadness had joined us, settling in beside us and seamlessly joining our clan.

I sat with anger and It did what It does best; It consumed me, making me blind to everything else, even my own secret yearning to be free.
I played into Its hands, repeatedly recounting the ways in which my anger was warranted.

I sat with unrighteous anger.
It was cunning and not without charm; I was smitten.
It drew me to Its side, making seductive promises that It never intended to keep.

And then one day, I did the unthinkable, I stood up.
Anger reached for me, but I was suddenly unstoppable.
It begged me to stay, but I was resolute.
Anger incredulously asked me how I could betray It and I replied simply, “I feel empty sitting beside you.”

With Humble Clarity,
Kelli