Pink & Blue

Pink & Blue

Recently I divulged via Facebook that I’m a genderqueer pansexual. When I posted, I wasn’t specifically thinking… oh, I’m coming out right now via Facebook. It was only in hindsight (and someone else pointing it out to me) that I realized that that’s what had happened. I posted because I simply felt that I was ready to say it; that I had to say it. My desire to be seen had outgrown my anxiety around being seen. 

Posting publicly about something this personal and important caused an internal swirl of emotion. I felt relieved, empowered, anxious, worried, peaceful, proud, exposed. I am still swirling, although a bit more comfortably. It felt scary to announce to the world that I don’t fit into the cultural mold we’re handed; the mold that many assumed I was fitting into just fine all these years. It felt like such a massive act of vulnerability that had to happen in order to (hopefully) be seen. Once I came out I knew that loved ones and others would have reactions that I couldn’t control. They would see and understand and extend compassion to varying degrees. Many would celebrate, some would be confused, some would need to consult Google, some would judge, some wouldn’t care one way or the other, etc. So be it.

When I say I’m genderqueer, I mean that I don’t buy into the gender binary of masculine and feminine and that I can’t be contained within one of those boxes. I connect with and embody both aspects. Oftentimes one more than the other. They are two parts of me that I see as working together to create a sense of internal wholeness that feels healing, empowering, and frankly, pretty badass and futuristic. Pink or blue? Give me both.

And when I say I’m pansexual, I mean that I’m romantically inclined toward a person because of who and what they are in their soul, rather than what body they occupy. Romantic love, and all forms of love, are spiritual in nature for me. To assign limits in my romantic life based on biological sex, gender, or gender identity seems ridiculous to me. I won’t accept limits when it comes to love, and I’ll cherish connection wherever I discover it.

In March, Paige (who knew I had come out) asked if I wanted to participate in “The Beauty and Power of our Gender Diversity” worship service. Part of me really wanted to and felt like I should. I wanted to be ready, but I wasn’t. And of course, as Paige told me then and I believe now, that’s okay. But what a gift that service was for me. I felt so connected to those that shared their stories and experiences. I most certainly was moved to tears throughout the hour. I felt deep gratitude for the beauty, authenticity, and strength of Ariel, Suzi, Herb, and Regina, and the experience allowed me to more lovingly and significantly connect with my humanity and inner truth. 

There’s no doubt in my mind that I have so many loved ones, this faith and its people, that worship service, and even this slowed down year of a pandemic to thank for this coming out moment and for this space to discover myself and feel comfortable enough to share it openly with you all. I’m not so sure I would have ever arrived at this moment on my own without all of the love and support. What a gift it is to feel my inner world aligned with my inner truth. Thank you for your part in making it happen.

With love,
Sara

12 Comments

  1. Dori

    Thank you for sharing your experiences, Sara—and for explaining what your terms mean! I know it takes enormous courage to insist on being yourself when your truest self doesn’t fit the “norms,” and that freeing up the energy it takes to hide who you are will allow you to move forward in amazing and unexpected ways.

  2. Herb Hartnett

    You are empowered. You overcame fear and what others would think to claim your own true being. You are engaged in an awesome journey that will at once make Sara stronger and more happy. You are loving yourself.

  3. Stuart TenHoor

    Sara: thanks for sharing and, perhaps more so, for feeling comfortable to share. I did a similar thing on another issue a few years ago (my mood disorder) and many thanked me for my openness. It was empowering and all the other words you used. As Anthony said at the time “you went up there and got naked” 🙂 . We love you, just as you are!

  4. Laurie Coltri

    I really like the graphic you chose for this post. It’s pink, blue, and a lot of other colors – though to see those shades you have to get past your brain’s natural propensity to see just one or the other. A perfect metaphor!

    I’m so glad you shared this attribute about yourself – it helps us to get to know you a little better, and I hope it allows you to more freely be YOU.

  5. Alice Pham

    Thank you, Sara. I am amazed at your boldness, but even more at the journey you describe! If only, we could just accept and love people for who they are without having to figure out what boxes we want to put them in. that goes for not only gender identity, but race, ethnicity, and other personal journeys! As open as you are to love, you are surely loved.

  6. Robert S Jackson

    Sara, Thanks for sharing this very personal part of your story. ( And also for going into detail defining the terminology.) Human sexuality is amazingly complex. Years ago, I remember when I first struggled to wrap my mind around gay and lesbian attractions. Over the years my understanding continued to grow. I have come to appreciate and to celebrate the amazing diversity of humans.

  7. Celonia Walden

    Add me as one who loves and supports you, my dear friend! As a lesbian (I feel comfortable using that term) I know the “Tsunami of Feelings” that go into coming out! My friends and family and coworkers accepted me with love. I wish to give you the same welcoming acceptance I also felt back then. You are a member of what I call the “Rainbow🌈 Coalition”, we are inclusive not exclusive! And one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, I plan to give you a great Big Hug! 🤗 Love you, my friend!💜

  8. Carol Zika

    You have landed in a wonderful, supportive community. Welcome, and enjoy the power of knowing yourself. I look forward to knowing you better and IN PERSON!

  9. Jena Rose

    Congrats for coming out publicly and thank you so much for sharing a slice of your life experience and journey! <3 🙂

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